Words Tonight

It's fall in Prince Rupert. I am scared to blog these days. I am scared of the words and thoughts my mind produces sometimes. Maybe if I wrote them down, I could get into trouble, or miss out on opportunities down the road. 

In some ways I feel muzzled. By an invisible force. Common sense perhaps? 

My brother is out of town and my sister will be leaving soon too. I am scared of being left behind. Of my own stubborn resilience. 

I am sad for quiet homes. And annoyed at the neighbours dog for waking me up too often.

Sometimes I’m scared of being too much for people. 

I feel rage towards the approaching darkness- of the year and within myself. 

The other day I was biking to the civic centre. A young man, about 18, was stumbling from the sidewalk to the road and back. I stopped biking as he was in my path. I could see blood running  down the back of his head and when he turned around, it was coming down the front too. 

“How’s it going?” I said. 

“You’re biking that way?” he pointed.

“Yep, hey it looks like your head is bleeding, are you okay?”

“I’ll be fine once you get the fuck out of here.”

“Ok.”

I biked on. I’m thankful now to that young man. I heard he made it to the civic centre too and EMS was called. 

For that moment he was my cherry on top. The peak of the iceberg. The turning point. 

I needed to cry. I made it onto the trail. I was alone and it was dusk and I cried. 

I cried because sometimes I hate my home. Because sometimes I don’t feel at home. Because of the heart wrenching racism that exists here. Because, until that night, I didn’t really like rock climbing, and I didn’t really want to go. Because I needed friends. Because of the history here. Because it is an isolated island and heavy things happen on isolated islands. Because that young man wanted me to stay away from him. 

I went climbing. I was red eyed and puffy cheeked. I found a new corner of the wall that I’m obsessed with now and think about often. There was a community of people there I look up to and like my presence. I went swimming afterwards. And today I ate waffles, salmon sandwiches and practiced docking my dads sailboat over and over again.

A friend reminded me yesterday that this place is a microcosm of the world. A place to see it all. A place of no pretending. A place, as I’ve said before, of contrast. 

My oh my. I’m hoping to have a music night sometime soon at my old house. Tis the season. 

To be in limbo and to love whatever shows up. 

There is a fist around my heart tonight as I watch my sister get ready for her travels. Outlooks can seem so permanent sometimes. To settle and see what comes. To settle and see what comes. See what comes. Breath in. Breath out. Breath in breath out. To find balance in truth and light and darkness. 

Thank you. Okay. I feel much better now. Hmmph.